MS Depressed

Since finding out that I have multiple sclerosis this year (MS) I have come to realize just what and who matters most in my life. In April of this year everything changed. What I thought was right, wasn't. Yes, I became depressed. I fell into a hole that I wasn't quite sure I knew how to get out of.

I immediately saw the negative side to life. I was going to lose my ability to walk. I was going to wake up blind. I was going to die a slow miserable death. I actually told my husband he didn't have to stick around, because it wasn't fair to him to be stuck with me. Those are the things that immediately went through my mind and they didn't stop for a while. It seemed the more I would research MS the more I became confused and scared. I had no idea what the hell was happening. I had just been thrown a bag of boulders and knew I couldn't handle the weight.

I remember coming home that day when the doctors told me that they had discovered these lesions on my spinal cord. They said it could be a lot of different things and maybe even cancer. However, my doctor at the time said that when they see lesions like that they are usually in line with a disease by the name of MS and that I should start to "research the hell out of it" and I think it was his way of getting my mind off of the worst possible scenarios at that time.

After all of the testing and finding out that it was truly MS the depression set in full force. There were days when it took everything I had to get out of bed and go to work. I had to keep going or MS would win. There were days when I let it, because I had to feel sorry for myself. I had to. I think people need to feel sorry for themselves sometimes. Otherwise, you just bury it below the surface and it eventually just creeps up one day and attacks.

I know I shouldn't write this next part, but I have to for myself. I have to get it out. I was driving home one day from work. I was at my lowest point. Most of my friends had stopped texting and calling. Why? I don't really know. I'm not dying. I just have this disease now. Well, the doctors have put me on these MS meds that have a 30% chance of affecting my disease progress. It either will or won't slow things down. That's not a good chance. There is no cure, just chances. They have me on meds, because the pain in my legs is unbearable most days. The only person that I have to talk to about all of this is my husband and even then I don't want to bore him with the whole thing too much, because I don't want him to get tired of hearing about it.

Well, I was driving home from work one day a week after my first exacerbation when I spent three days visiting the hospital for steroid infusions to calm my exacerbation. My hand started going numb as I was driving. I saw this giant tree in the distance. There wasn't much traffic and I started weighing out my options. I remember thinking that it would be so much easier to just get it all over with right then and there. None of this was worth it. None of these shots or these pills was worth what the future was going to bring. I did not want anyone to take care of me. I was not going to live the rest of my life in a wheelchair dependent upon other people.  As those thoughts went through my mind, Tyler texted me and asked me if I was almost home.

I don't mean to sound cliché, but that text snapped me back to reality. What the hell was I thinking?! I am not that person. I don't believe in the easy way out of anything and I sure as hell am not going out without a fight. I cried from that moment on as I drove home and knew that I had to find a way out of this hole I had fallen into. So, I stopped researching MS and just started taking things one day at a time. My MS was going to be just that, "my" MS. I still research the different meds, but I don't really read much into other people's experiences. I'm going to live mine and see where it takes me.

Since those dark summer days I have finally began to find myself again. Of course, I still struggle. However, I know that when I let those thoughts into my head that it wasn't me and I won't let them in again. I just have to remember that I am still that stubborn, smartass, strong chick I was before I found out I had MS. Made Strong.