My immediate family used to be very small. It was just my mom, my younger brother, and me. My dad left us behind when I was a teen, so I can't include him in my family. I really don't think it was an easy decision for him, but he did it. Now that I'm an adult I can somewhat see the reason for him making this choice.
You see, my mom is mentally ill. She is bipolar and schizophrenic, a mix that makes for a sad, difficult life. I know she's going to read this, but I am at a point that I don't care anymore. I have begged her for years to take care of herself, but she refuses. I am at a point with my life that I need to take care of myself more and not worry about her and the stress she creates in my life.
I love my mom, but she is the reason I have very little family. My dad didn't understand what mental illness was and he couldn't handle it. My brother wants nothing to do with her, so he doesn't come around anymore. I didn't have a lot of friends as a kid, because I was afraid they'd see how she was. I kept people away so they wouldn't know. So, it's basically me dealing with my mom and it is tiring. It always has been. You see, I've been taking care of her since I was eleven. I couldn't be a normal kid, because I had her. I'm now thirty-five and I feel like I've put my life on hold long enough.
Part of me knows that she doesn't know what she is doing when she says the paranoid things she does. She calls me and leaves bizarre messages about receiving transmissions. She broke her lamp on a ghost of my grandma who is very alive. She has insulted my husband and in-laws. She treats me like I am against her. I never know what is going to be said. It's tiring and very frustrating to see someone live like this.
Of course, the laws work against people who care about others who are mentally ill. I have tried to get her help in the past, but they say she must be a danger to herself. Which means unless they are trying to commit suicide or talking about hurting others there is nothing you can do to help them. It's also sad that she thinks nothing is wrong with her. People with a severe mental illness usually don't think they are the problem, or that they have anything wrong. It's incredibly infuriating at times.
It sucks finding out that I have MS and there is not one member of my family there to support me. If it wasn't for my husband and his family (and my gorgeous little boys) I would be alone on this journey. I have tried to talk to my mom about it. At times, she gets it and is really supportive (VERY seldom). However, most of the time she is in her own world and couldn't care less about anything I have to say.
I remember when I was younger looking at other families thinking about how nice it must be to have that sort of dynamic. How it must feel to know you are loved. I didn't feel that until I met my husband. I don't know if my mom is capable of love anymore. I feel like her mental illness has taken over the part of her I knew when I was a young child. She was an awesome mom back then, but I didn't get to experience that for very long.
Don't get me wrong, she is the nicest person you can meet. You just won't understand most of what she says. She just doesn't make sense and is extremely paranoid. She thinks the world is out to get her now, so there is no getting to know the true person behind the mental illness. You may catch her on a good day and have a nice conversation with her, but I doubt it.
I have never been inclined to write about this, but my mom has been ignoring my requests to take care of herself more and more lately. So, it's my turn to out her in hopes that she will maybe (not likely) see how she affects others. Plus, I wanted to get this out. Maybe someone else can relate.
NB
I came across your blog when you posted in the Bloggy Mom's group for Ohio Bloggers.
ReplyDeleteI'm a fellow Ohioan, so I stopped by to check you out, and while browsing, I discovered this post.
My mother is an alcoholic. She is a sociopath. She is a habitual liar and it seems she has absolutely no conscience. She used to cheat on my father, and she would jump out of the window and leave us there, not knowing where she went when my sisters and I were kids. She tried to jump out of the van when my dad took her to rehab. It was a mess.
Now, things have calmed down as she's aged, and I love my mother dearly, but it's still clear as day that her sociopathic tendencies are the same. She has no problem lying on anyone---even her own grandchildren.
Like you, I never knew love until I met my husband. He changed me. He helped me grow up and realize that I can no longer blame her for my trust issues and social awkwardness. I had to take responsibility---I needed to OWN my life! The hardest part about having a parent whom you feel you've had to raise is the fact that you have to mature early, and by the time you're an adult, you feel as if you've lost your own grip while holding on to someone else. You're no longer in control. But taking back that control is one of the most important things that you could ever do for yourself. Take it from me.
I know it sounds silly, but despite everything, I still love her and I'm thankful that she is my mother because I feel that if I had anyone else for a mother, I wouldn't have turned out half as good as I did.
Best wishes! I'll be reading.
You seem like a tough woman. I think that's a benefit of maturing early. I am in the same boat. I love my mom, but I think I deserve to take care of myself now.
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